New Egg Donor on the Horizon

I talked to our Egg Donor Coordinator this morning. I had just gotten up about 8:45 this morning and she called at 9:10am. I was just starting to think about my day and wasn’t really prepared to talk about all this stuff. But I had written her an email on Monday asking her her thoughts about what to do next. She had talked with my Dr. in length about our situation. As a reminder to anyone reading this, we did one egg donor in November but had to freeze the 3 (only 3!) embryos we got, it took 4 months for my lining to perk up enough to transfer in February, we thawed one embryo and it didn’t survive the thaw (1 in 100 chance) and thawed #2 and tranferred on Feb. 17. It stuck for about a minute in terms of how long it needed to stick and stopped developing at about 5 weeks. I had a DNC on March 19.

The next step apparently for us is to either use the last embryo we have or do another egg donor now or soon and freeze what we get from that cycle. Everyone seems worried that since two embryos haven’t made it the third one won’t either because we may have gotten a bad batch. AND the thing is we have always said we want two kids. So even if the last embryo makes it and we got a miracle child out of it we would probably try this again anyways. At the beginning of all this we really wanted two kiddos who could have the same mother biologically and that would not happen if we tried with the one we have and then tried with another embryo from a different donor later. Is that really important? Probably not in the grand scheme of things, but it was a nice thought. I still really want my kids to at least be half of my husband and I know he wants that as well so we must keep trying.I still really want to get pregnant and grow these babies myself.

My egg donor coordinator is going to start looking through every egg donor they have at their disposal and start sending me profiles. We want someone who is proven, meaning they have helped other couples get pregnant; someone with lots of eggs and follicles so we can potentially get lots of embryos this time; and there are other characteristics I’m sure they look at that make someone the “perfect” donor. I do worry that we will end up with a “bad batch” again because there is no guarantee. The donor we picked last time had a great track record and she got every other couple pregnant. I feel like I am the exception to every rule they have ever heard of unfortunately and I feel like we have to catch a break some time, right?

Just before I got on to post today I was searching around facebook and ended up looking up someone I used to work with. Lo’ and behold she had a baby today. Go figure. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t win. I really am happy for friends who have babies, but a large part of me is jealous. When will it be my turn?

So I’m hoping we find the perfect match and that this person will create a boatload of eggs for us and more will survive. I’m hoping to find someone in April or May so that while we are on a vacation early May we can come back and get my lining perfect and transfer. I’m even hoping right now that if we transfer two maybe they will both stick and we can be done with all this.

-H

Bad Eggs?

Today my DH and I had a follow up with our Dr. to go over this cycle and to figure out what might come next. They still don’t know why we got pregnant and then it stopped developing or why one of our embryos didn’t survive the thaw (1 in 100 chance). Maybe it’s related? My Dr. said it might be a bad “batch” which is horrible to think we have one frozen embryo left and what if that one doesn’t work? The donor we chose had a good success rate with other couples …all 5 other couples got pregnant and have kids and she notoriously had more than 3 embryos with all of those other families. We talked about doing another fresh cycle with a new donor because maybe that would give us better odds but we will probably go ahead with the frosty we have and then try another donor if we have to…we do still want siblings though so maybe that is a better option? We also had my DH tested for any chromosomal anomalies just in case…wouldn’t that be bizarre!? I’m sure he is fine because he has 4 siblings all with families but it’s a shot in the dark to see if something else could have happened. I had a blood draw today and my hcg level is down to 162, which is good news. After the DNC Monday it was 767 on Tuesday so it is falling fast. I’ll go in one more time once AF starts. I’m starting to feel a little more back to normal today and the sun is shining finally in Seattle so it’s a good day. Now just to figure out what to do with all this discouraging information.

-H

Dusting Myself Off

I live in Seattle and it has been cold lately. It’s supposed to be spring but right now as I write this it is 37 degrees outside. But as the sun came through the window temporarily this morning I felt better this morning and thought this is the first day to the next FET cycle and what am I going to do differently this time? I know there’s not a lot I can do that would have changed the outcome of this FET cycle unfortunately but for myself there are some things I can do better.

1. I’m going to start doing yoga and pilates more and some other exercise classes. I belong to a gym and their are daily classes that I don’t go to so there is no excuse. I mainly go and do the elliptical machines and once in a while weights and I feel like I just maintain my weight. I’m lucky to be petite but I really don’t feel like I’m in that great of shape. I’m going to take advantage of these classes and get toned over the next 6-8 weeks before we try again.

2. I’m going to eat more fruit and veggies. We just started to get a box delivered from New Roots Organics in Seattle biweekly so I really have no excuse to not eat healthy. Today is a new shipment so I’m excited to see what we get.

3. I’m going to continue acupuncture at Grassroots in Fremont. I’ve been going there since January when my health insurance stopped covering me at another place I was going. However, I am going to also supplement visits with a Chinese Dr. who my acupuncturist has recommended because she helps women get pregnant and uses Chinese herbs.

4. I will continue to take my prenatal vitamin along with chaste tree berry, red raspberry leaf, baby aspirin and vitamin e. I was taking all these before because they are supposed to help in getting my lining thick and I needed all the help I could get. I’m hoping that since we got my lining thick enough last time with follistim that it will magically work right away in May or June when we do this again. I think it will help take a month or two off from now til then to get my body back in a balance.

5. I want to start meditation. I’m not sure how often I will do this or what the best techniques are yet but I’m going to do some research on it. I know that just being in yoga classes will help with this.

6. I’m going to work on my graphic design business for myself. With so much going on with trying to get pregnant and it being such an up hill battle for us I often forget that I am a creative person and do have my business license and wanted to start doing web design and/or wedding invitations on the side. I do have a couple small projects right now but really I could be doing a lot more and I need to focus on using my time well.

7. We are going to Barcelona and Paris in May and I need to work on our itinerary and learning French.

8. Spend quality time with my husband. We don’t get enough of it.

9. Just get back to a “normal” for a little bit. Even if I don’t know what that is right now. I need to set up a daily routine to get me back on track.

I’ll try to update how I’m doing. This whole cycle still hurts but I’m getting through it one hour or day at a time. I know it’s okay to be sad and cry but really I just want my life back a little bit right now and to feel needed and do some stuff for myself and the “other side” of my life.

-H

A Little More Hopeful

Today I got up around 8:45am and my phone rang about 20 minutes later. When my Dr. office calls it says “UNKNOWN” so I always know its them. I answered it expecting to be talking to the nurse but it was Dr. Lamb, who has been my infertility physician since last June. She was calling to check up on me and make sure I had good support through all this and just make sure I’m doing okay. She had no real words of wisdom for why any of this happened and she is sad for us and was very hopeful when our numbers were so good the first blood test last week. There’s no way to know why this happened, it just did and now we move on and try again. She said it is okay for us to take a month off and feel things out but there is a chance that we could just roll right into another cycle right away. Once my period starts I will go in and we will do a blood test and ultrasound and see where my hCG levels are and if there is any scar tissue from this miscarriage. If everything looks okay I think we will probably just start follistim again and roll with the punches! If not we will probably have to wait til June because we have a trip to Europe coming up early May (to celebrate our two year wedding anniversary coming up!) and I would most likely need to be around for tests, etc. at that time. Part of me wants to continue on with this right away and part of me wants to wait because wouldn’t it be nice to be able to eat brie and drink wine in Paris? It could also be a nice celebration if we get preggo though. I guess I’m game either way.

I also called Premera today because our healthcare starts over April 1 and there is a new plan that we can choose to participate in. I found out they offer 15k lifetime in infertility benefits which is great because our current plan offers 10k lifetime and we have almost used that up with all the months of trying to get my lining thick. There will be more out of pocket costs with this new plan but its so wonderful that we can start over with coverage, plus now we seem to know how to thicken my lining so it shouldn’t (knock on wood) take so long next time.

We’ve started having discussions on what to do next if this next transfer doesn’t work but really I think we should be continuing with positive thoughts that the next one WILL work and when the time comes, if we decide to have more children, when we decide to have more, then we will figure out what to do then. I think we are a little discouraged about using the same clinic but there are ups and downs everywhere you go and I really like the care I’ve been getting so we’ll just have to see what happens. To be continued…

-H

A Long Overdue Update

I have not updated in a LONG time. Partly I think because I have been so involved in trying to get pregnant, and partly because I have been feeling guilty and a little ashamed that we even have to go through what we go through.

To sum up the past few months….intimidating, sad, long, hard, hopeful, all time consuming, draining – mentally and physically. Since November it took us another 3 months to get my lining to thicken up. In December we did the same protocol as November but without the lupron shots. Apparently my ovaries were supposed to still be “quiet”, not producing my own eggs at that time. We started off with estrace (estrogen pills) again but they caused some fluid in my uterus (same as in November) almost immediately. I was also still doing Vivelle patches. 2-4 every day. Then I got the pleasure of injecting myself with estradiol in my hip/butt area every 3 days. I just called this practice for the progesterone injections that come with IVF/FET (frozen embryo transfer). Turned out my lining still didn’t get thick enough by the time it was supposed to be, in fact it was thinner at just 6.5mm in December.

Move on to January when we did a natural cycle. We decided my body doesn’t like being manipulated by the drugs—fake estrogen just wasn’t doing it for me. Go figure. I had mentioned to my doc that I read that follistim works for some women on the balanced translocation group forum I’m on so by day 4 or 5 of my cycle I started these injections. The follistim medication is interesting because it is expensive….my rounds with my insurance company is a whole other topic I could write about…, it has to be refridgerated, and it looks like you are sticking yourself with a big ink pen in the stomach, everyday. It really is amazing what we do to our bodies to try to get pregnant. Well, by day 12 of my cycle nothing…absolutely NOTHING …. was happening. My estrogen levels didn’t even perk up a little bit from blood draws that were taken day 9 to day 12. Canceled cycle, over and done. When this happens they put me on provera (another type of progesterone) to get a period. I think by this point this was the 3rd time I had to take this for 7 days. Aunt Flow came 2 days after I stopped provera.

Fast forward to February. Another natural cycle. We had a trip planned to Atlanta as a surprise for my brother-in-law at the end of the month and I was very worried that with the timing they gave me we might have to cancel. Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it would have been a little disappointing. Well, turns out I started the follistim on day 2 of my cycle, which started conveniently on day 1 for keeping track of things. I took follistim religiously for 10 days and guess what!..IT WORKED! I had blood draws on day 6—my lining was already almost 5mm, day 9—7mm, day 10—7.8mm (THICK ENOUGH), day 11—still thick enough and then I got to take my HCG trigger shot at 3pm that day. We were finally where we needed to be to get the FET on the road! I though this is it! Finally we’ve gotten over the hurdles and we can get pregnant. On February 17, we were able to transfer.

That week went great before the transfer. It’s funny to me how I got so used to going to the dr. that it’s weird when I don’t have to go. One week you go four times and the next you just wait for the end of the week with no checkups in between. So friday, the 17th came. By then I was doing progesterone injections everyday in the butt/hip area, which you continue til week 10 of a pregnancy after transfer. Let me tell you, they aren’t pleasant. I had to drink 1.5 liters of water before the transfer, take 2 valium at 1pm, got picked up by my husband at 1:30pm, check in at 2pm and the procedure was done at 2:30. We got a picture of our embryo that was taken 1 hour before transfer. It is a crazy think to see what we all look like at just 5 days old…just a big blob of cells, really, that could form in to a beautiful baby. The transfer went like clockwork…they showed us what they were going to do and we could see the embryo on the screen starting to hatch even before it was transferred, which is supposed to be a good sign. They put up the catheter, which looks like a long spaghetti noodle, position it in the uterus and inside goes the frosty, ready to attach in a few days and burrow in to momma. I laid there after the transfer for 15 minutes and then I was free to get up and finally use the restroom. My hubby took me to my acupuncture appointment I had scheduled after and I fell asleep and relaxed. Then went home and sat on the couch for two days, ready to get pregnant.

With the timing of the transfer we were able to go on our trip to Atlanta and had great time, surprised my husbands brother and stayed 5 days. I was peeing on sticks later in the week we were there and I was getting 2 lines! I also had sore boobs, a bit of nausea (only once), and was getting tired in the afternoons. I was pretty sure I was getting preggo but I didn’t want to get my hopes up or tell anyone til we came home and took the blood test at the dr. So Weds, 2/29 I went in and got a great beta of 227! We got preggo!

But before you get excited out there, I had another blood test on Friday, March 2 and my numbers only went up to 254. Not good because usually hCG numbers double in 48-72 hours. It was a long weekend and I tested again yesterday, 3/6. My numbers went down to 171 so the embryo stopped developing.:( I’m going to miscarry.

I’m angry that it didn’t work. I’m sad. I feel guilty that I may have done something wrong in the two weeks post transfer. I’m worried that maybe my body, with the 3 way translocation, is rejecting pregnancies. But sometimes it just happens. Embryos don’t always form into beautiful babies. We knew there was always a chance of this happening but after having to go through so many hurdles the past 4-5 months this had to work. IT HAD TO.  It didn’t. And I’m bummed. So bummed. The amount of time, effort, thought, money, energy, medications, we’ve put into this is just exhausting, draining, disheartening. I feel guilty, like maybe I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve a baby. Did I hurt the baby by traveling or hitting a few tennis balls in GA? Did I eat something wrong? I assure you, I relaxed, I slept, I ate well. I’ve done everything up to this point that I should have and yet it didn’t work out. And now all we can do is try again with our one remaining embryo.

Today I woke up angry and cried as my husband held me and then had to go to work. Since then I’ve chatted online with a few friends and called my mom (who is not the most comforting person in the world). But I’m feeling a bit better. I do think I will cry a little more before I start to get over this but the grieving has begun. I will start a new cycle in a few days and have a follow up with my dr. next week and see what is next, if there’s something we do differently next time and go from there. They say I have have to go through two cycles before we can start anew so we will probably not transfer again til at least June. Which I think is fine…it will give my body some time to get back to normal, take a vacation that we have planned and refresh. I don’t know what’s next but I hope this path we’re on straightens out soon.

-H

Updates and Frosties

Well, it’s been a while but since I last posted a lot has happened. Since 11/4 I have been doing my shot of lupron in the stomach every day, have been putting 4 progesterone patches on my stomach every other day and have had a few ultra sounds. Two weeks ago at my ultrasound my Dr. discovered that my uterine lining was not as thick as she would like so I was put on Estrace (estrogen). Then a week or so later I had another ultrasound only to discover that my lining was still not as thick as it should be for transferring embryos. The lining needs to be about 7.5mm or larger but mine was only 6.5-7mm. Almost there but not quite right. This was horrible news because the transfer was supposed to be TODAY and the egg donor was ready for egg retrieval last week and can’t just sit around and wait for my body to be ready.

So on Thanksgiving our egg donor had the egg retrieval and my hubby went in for his collection. The egg donor gave us 32 eggs!! Seems like a lot, and it is, but out of all of those only 10 were mature. Day 3 we got a report that all 10 had made it to that stage, which was positive news. Today was Day 5, the day that they freeze any that are now blastocysts and have made it to the stage where they should be transferred into the uterus to implant. Because my body is not ready quite yet we have to freeze what we can and wait for me to get ready either by next week if my lining looks good this Thursday or we scrap this cycle and start all over after a period and hope for an early January transfer. So we got good news today that we have 3 frozen embryos for sure and 3 more embryos are sitting in culture tonight and we find out tomorrow if they will make it to freeze. We have 3-6 good blastocysts to transfer—we can now call these our frosties. I’m really hoping that at least one more makes it tomorrow so we can have 2 to transfer on our first try and if we still want more kids we could have two more to transfer the next time.

Since I found out that my uterus is not cooperating I did a bunch of research on what makes the uterine lining grow. I’ve started taking chaste tree berry, chinese herbs (prescribed by my acupunturist), red raspberry leaf and baby aspirin. My acupuncturist also stepped up her game yesterday with castor oil on my stomach and a heat lamp and some stims put on my stomach and under my ankles. I hope all of these things help and by Thursday morning when I go in for the next ultrasound we find that my lining has thickened up and we can transfer next week!

H