Last Shot!

For anyone who doesn’t know, when someone does IVF (with or without egg donor) the person has to take progesterone til there 10th week of pregnancy. Some women use suppositories and some give themselves a shot daily. Well, I started shots of progesterone to support the pregnancy back on May 26th (2 days before the transfer) and I am happy to report that today was the last one! At this point the placenta takes over and supports the baby with what it needs. …I will not miss my morning routine of sitting on a heating pad, heating both the progesterone in oil and the area I inject it into. I will not miss getting the needles ready, and I will definitely not miss sticking the needle in to my upper back hip every single day. I think it’s time to find a new normal.

In other news, I’ve been having crazy heartburn this morning but gladly have only had really, REALLY bad nausea once so far this pregnancy. Our next big appointment is July 31 when we do the nuchal translucency screening which tests for the possibility of down’s syndrome, spina bifida, and a few other things. This is a normal screening that most pregnant women have and should be completely fine since I used the egg of a 29 year old.

-H

We Graduated!

Today is a great day because we had our 2nd ultrasound in two weeks and all is looking good and healthy. Our little guy or gal is 8 weeks 5 days today and measuring perfectly in size and had a heartbeat of 174! Two weeks ago we got to see the heartbeat for the first time and at that time it was 127. This is all good news because it means we get to leave PNW Fertility after 13 months of ups and mostly downs. After all the heart ache of not getting my lining thick enough, the hysteroscopy, the first transfer that ended in DNC, the shots of progesterone, lupron, estrogen, and HCG triggers, the baby aspirin, tons of acupuncture and ultrasounds, and the months and months of doctor appointments we finally get to go to a normal doctor or midwifery group. I can’t tell you how excited I am to feel just a little bit normal for once after finding out about my 3 way translocation last summer. I know we aren’t out of the woods quite yet because it’s still early and it will still be a few more weeks til we tell the world but for now this is the happiest news we could hope for.

-H

38 Things

Saturday was my 38th birthday and we got the best news ever. My HCG levels doubled to 637. Even better news came on Wednesday when we got an HCG level of 2,876! The hormone levels are more than doubling every 48 hours and that is a good thing!

So I am 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I know things can still go bad and I am not announcing it anywhere else but here (except to close family and friends). Once we get to 12 weeks we will, of course, tell the rest of the world including any remaining friends or family who doesn’t know yet. Our next step is an ultrasound around 7 weeks, which should show us a heartbeat. Soon I should be released to a normal O.B. doctor like a “normal” person.

Now that getting pregnant seems to be resolved I feel like I should figure out what I want to be when I “grow up”. I’ve been so overwhelmed with this balanced translocation and trying to conceive for a year now. I quit my job about 13 months ago. Last year at this time we were about to go on a wonderful roadtrip for a couple of months and take some time off. So now that we have finally gotten to this point and I’ve turned 38 I think it is time to come up with some goals for the next year.

38 things to do before I turn 39

1. make three new friends

2. finish my portfolio site (the sooner the better)

3. go to Alaska

4. sew something

5. start a garden, however small that may be

6. can something (as in preserves)

7. start yoga again

8. take a letterpress class

9. learn more about photography

10. buy a house

11. purge things that we don’t need

12. read a novel just for fun

13. knit a baby blanket

14. design wedding invitations

15. sell more things on etsy

16. come up with a budget

17. volunteer somewhere

18. see some live music

19. visit Mt. Rainier

20. start a website on Balanced Translocations

21. update my other blog (honeyandthyme.com)

22. design a baby room

23. learn a new skill

24. organize

25. ride my bike

26. make fresh pasta

27. do something completely out of my comfort zone

28. swim

29. be happier

30. be less shy

31. see friends more often

32. be more crafty

33. paint with my acrylics

34. be kinder

35. relax with my husband

36. hike

37. go to Whistler

38. have a baby!

We’ll see how this year goes. 🙂

H

Lots of Updates

Hello!

Well, it’s been a while since I updated this blog and there are a lot of new developments! We went on vacation in Europe in early May and while sitting at a cafe over lunch one day we decided to use our last embryo instead of moving forward with a new donor. I think after my grandma’s passing it just felt right and why let that embryo sit forever. If we had gotten new embryos created we probably would have never used it. Plus, we didn’t know what the timing would be if we started with a new donor either and it could have been a few more months before we could try again.

It turned out to be perfect timing with my cycle. My period started just before we left Europe and when we got home I went to the Dr. and everything looked good in an ultrasound and bloodwork wise so I started my shots of follistim, just as we did last time. By 8 days later my uterine lining was about to 8mm and the next day it was 8.07mm which is the thickest it had ever gotten. I did my HCG trigger shot Tuesday, May 22 which was our 2 year Wedding Anniversary and then for Memorial Day weekend I got to stay home and give myself progesterone shots. We finally transferred our last little embryo on May 28th (Memorial Day).

So far this one has felt a little different than the last to me…I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been more relaxed since our vacation or what. I started peeing on a stick June 2nd and every day until yesterday. By day 2 I was seeing a faint line, day 3 was a little darker, and by yesterday it was turning quite dark more quickly. Today was my beta and I’m happy to report that my HCG levels were 291.6 and I am indeed pregnant!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m proceeding cautiously. I still worry that things will go wrong after the last transfer. I go back on Saturday (my birthday) and hopefully the numbers will double in 48-72 hours and then I expect I will come in again next week, good or bad. If all things proceed as they should our 1st ultrasound will be June 25 and we will be due Feb. 13, 2013.

Grow baby grow!

H

New Beginnings?

Hello! It’s been a few weeks since my last post. It feels like a lot has gone on and at the same time nothing has gone on since I last wrote. I don’t even know where to begin with this post.

Yesterday my sweet, beautiful 93 year old grandmother passed away. She was not in any pain but was in the hospital. I got to see her Sunday for a visit at her home and could tell that something was going on with her. She was more tired than her usual perky self and just didn’t look good. My dad and uncle took her to the hospital later that day but I didn’t learn of this until Tuesday afternoon. She was dehydrated and had a bladder and kidney infection but was doing much better. I even talked to her for a few minutes at 3:30pm Tuesday and it sounded like she would go home in 24-48 hours. She sounded way better on the phone and said her legs were wobbly but she had gone for a walk around the building and had just needed rest. I told her I loved her and said good bye thinking she was still going to be with us for a little longer. But around 4a.m. my dad and uncle got calls to come to the hospital because her health had declined. They were with her at 4:45a.m. when she died. All I can say is she was the best grandma there ever was. Never judged anyone and always was around to talk or give you a smile. Grandma, I’m going to miss you and your laugh and spunk.

As for the fertility stuff – we decided not to look at other Fertility Clinics. I’m not sure exactly why other than to say that it seemed like it would just take more time to get going again and cause more ups and downs. We have been looking at new egg donors this week and have decided on a couple of gals. My husband has to take a genetic carrier type blood test next week and that may determine who we pick if he and these girls are carriers for any of the same things. One of the girls is currently matched with another couple so we would have to wait a month in between her cycles before we could use her eggs and would push us out to June sometime for new embryos; the other girl is slated to give eggs to the egg bank at the clinic we are at but we could end up using her eggs as early as next week and have embryos created while we are away on a trip.

I also started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. It has helped to have an outlet and someone to talk to outside of the situation. She thinks I may suffer from compounded loss since I’ve lost (now) three grandparents in less than two years and have had 3 miscarriages and 1 DNC in about one and a half years. We have talked about meditation and just taking care of myself. She is good at reinforcing and reminding me that it’s okay for me to not be working outside of the home right now or it’s fine if I go see a friend at 3pm for happy hour or take tennis lessons or not work full time on things I think I should be doing. She calls it “wringing myself out” for the next round, and boy do I need it.

I’ve also started seeing a new acupuncturist. I saw the Chinese Dr. twice but she did not acknowledge my chromosomal issues at all. I decided I was not comfortable with that and so have moved on to someone else. There is no amount of herbs or acupuncture that is going to fix my chromosomal issues. She thought that no matter what my chromosomal rearrangement is we could still get pregnant with her support and then if that didn’t happen then we should move back to egg donor options. I even brought in an inch tall stack of paperwork from my doctor records over the past year and my basal temperature chartings and she still didn’t get it. Now I am seeing Kristi Stoddard who seems wonderful. She is a little more of a drive for me but hopefully she can help with my uterine lining and sustaining a pregnancy next time around.

I think that’s about all for now. I’m excited for a 10 day vacation coming up, have been exercising and just trying to stay sane while my husband works crazy hours and tries to support me during all my ups and downs. In some sort of way I hope with my grandma passing away and with new egg donors in our reach there is a new beginning lying ahead of us with happiness, calm and a healthy baby to hold.

-H

Bad Eggs?

Today my DH and I had a follow up with our Dr. to go over this cycle and to figure out what might come next. They still don’t know why we got pregnant and then it stopped developing or why one of our embryos didn’t survive the thaw (1 in 100 chance). Maybe it’s related? My Dr. said it might be a bad “batch” which is horrible to think we have one frozen embryo left and what if that one doesn’t work? The donor we chose had a good success rate with other couples …all 5 other couples got pregnant and have kids and she notoriously had more than 3 embryos with all of those other families. We talked about doing another fresh cycle with a new donor because maybe that would give us better odds but we will probably go ahead with the frosty we have and then try another donor if we have to…we do still want siblings though so maybe that is a better option? We also had my DH tested for any chromosomal anomalies just in case…wouldn’t that be bizarre!? I’m sure he is fine because he has 4 siblings all with families but it’s a shot in the dark to see if something else could have happened. I had a blood draw today and my hcg level is down to 162, which is good news. After the DNC Monday it was 767 on Tuesday so it is falling fast. I’ll go in one more time once AF starts. I’m starting to feel a little more back to normal today and the sun is shining finally in Seattle so it’s a good day. Now just to figure out what to do with all this discouraging information.

-H

Not Your Average Miscarriage

The last few days have been pretty rough.

By last Thursday I STILL hadn’t had a miscarriage. Back on March 6 I was told I would start a period within 3-5 days…but then when that didn’t happen one of my nurses told me that it was possible for it to take 2-3 weeks. But by about day 9 I was still having some cramps and off and on again pain on the lower right side and my breasts still hurt. With an HCG level of only 171 on March 6 I thought for sure it would have come by then. I decided to take matters into my own hands and asked if I could come in for a blood test.

On Friday morning I went in around 9am, got my blood drawn and then went to the gym. I waited and waited til about 2pm for the call from the nurse. FINALLY I got the dreaded words…”your hcg has gone up to 1406 and we are worried about an ectopic pregnancy”. An ectopic pregnancy is one where the embryo is growing outside of the uterus so it could be in a fallopian tube or an ovary and with that since tissue is growing and those structures are so small something could rupture and the woman can have internal bleeding and will need surgery.

At that point since it was Friday afternoon I was being told that I couldn’t come in til Monday or Tuesday, which I thought was ridiculous with something like this. I’ve had ultrasounds and blood draws on the weekend before; sure, they can’t do everything with the weekend crew but it seemed like with something so serious they should get me in. But then my Dr. called me a little after 3pm and said she wanted to see me or get me into the hospital across the way that afternoon. Then she called and said just to come in to her office and they would do an ultrasound before she left and if they saw anything horrible they would then send me to the hospital. Meanwhile, I’m calling my husband with every update and we are both freaking out a bit.

I got to the Dr. office a little after 4 where my husband was waiting for me. Immediately they pulled me into an examination room and we did an ultrasound. They looked all over for what felt like 10-15 minutes and couldn’t find any sign of the embryo. Then I did blood work to check estrogen/progesterone/etc. Those levels all came back normal. We went home not really feeling all that confident about what was coming next or what to do and decided to get out o the house for the night since there was really nothing we could do at this point. One other thing I should say at this point is my husband had to leave on Sunday morning for a work trip to WA D.C. and the Dr. told him it was okay to leave as long as I had people staying with me and some support.

My next appointment was on Sunday at 8:30am. On the weekends at my fertility clinic there is a woman who apparently is amazing with the ultrasound wand. She looked around for 5-10 minutes and didn’t find the embryo itself but did find a small pseudo sac about the size of 5 weeks, which is about when my hcg levels dropped. Because your body thinks its pregnant this one layer sac can form but if it’s ectopic there can still be other tissue forming somewhere else—Still no sign of this other tissue though. We did my blood work and then I went home and went out for coffee with friends. Meanwhile my husband left for the airport. The decision from my Dr. was she would call me with my results in a little while: if the numbers went down we would follow the numbers back to 0 and it should discard itself; if the numbers went up we would do a D&C or I would take a medication to get rid of the pregnancy. The phone call came while I was at coffee: The numbers went up from 1406 to 2200. …When my Dr. called and said these words it almost felt like I was out of body and watching myself on the street corner taking this call and just listening to my options. Option 1: Have a D&C—take out the sac in the uterus and hope that nothing else is growing. Then come back the day after the procedure and have blood work taken. If the numbers go up we know it is ectopic and will still have to take medication; if the numbers go down then we continue blood work every 2-3 days until the numbers are down to 0. Option 2: Take methotrexate which is a pretty toxic drug and used for chemo. It would kill any other tissue that is forming but also takes 2-3 months to get out of your system, hence, it would take longer to be able to try again with our remaining embryo.

We chose to do option #1 yesterday. My husband was out of town so I had my step mother-in-law take me in. When she picked me up I was a little emotional but I was doing okay. She got me to the office at 9am; the surgery was at 10am. I listened to my options again, I signed consent forms, had my vitals taken, and then got into the gown and funny blue hat and footies they make you wear in surgery. I walked into the surgery room and got on the table, put my feet in the stirrups. They took some blood work from my hand and put the catheter in there…my Dr. came and held my other hand while that was being done. Then they put the sedation mask on my face and I fell asleep. Sedation is a wonderful thing—one second you are being told they will take good care of you and you are talking about some random thing and the next thing you know you are waking up in a recovery room. I felt like 2 hours had gone by…nope, only 20 minutes!  They brought me apple juice and animal crackers post surgery since I hadn’t eaten anything that morning. I just remember feeling a bit woozy and had a bit of cramping but nothing major. The nurse took me to the bathroom while I still had an IV and then my step mom-in-law came in and visited with me for a bit and finally I was ready to get dressed and go home. Once home I got in my PJs, MIL went to the store and got me a few groceries and brought me tulips (my favorite) and made me lunch. I was really lucky to have her yesterday. Then she left around 1pm and I basically sat on the couch the rest of the day. I had a friend stay the night and watched movies, ordered pizza and made yummy cookies and now this morning I am about to go see if the hcg levels go up or down. I should know more this afternoon.

-H

UPDATE: Levels are down to 767 so this is a good sign and I don’t have to do the toxic meds. I go back Friday for a follow up with our doctor that we already had scheduled and then next Tuesday for another blood test to make sure levels are going down still. Phew! It looks like even egg donor eggs aren’t always perfect.

A Long Overdue Update

I have not updated in a LONG time. Partly I think because I have been so involved in trying to get pregnant, and partly because I have been feeling guilty and a little ashamed that we even have to go through what we go through.

To sum up the past few months….intimidating, sad, long, hard, hopeful, all time consuming, draining – mentally and physically. Since November it took us another 3 months to get my lining to thicken up. In December we did the same protocol as November but without the lupron shots. Apparently my ovaries were supposed to still be “quiet”, not producing my own eggs at that time. We started off with estrace (estrogen pills) again but they caused some fluid in my uterus (same as in November) almost immediately. I was also still doing Vivelle patches. 2-4 every day. Then I got the pleasure of injecting myself with estradiol in my hip/butt area every 3 days. I just called this practice for the progesterone injections that come with IVF/FET (frozen embryo transfer). Turned out my lining still didn’t get thick enough by the time it was supposed to be, in fact it was thinner at just 6.5mm in December.

Move on to January when we did a natural cycle. We decided my body doesn’t like being manipulated by the drugs—fake estrogen just wasn’t doing it for me. Go figure. I had mentioned to my doc that I read that follistim works for some women on the balanced translocation group forum I’m on so by day 4 or 5 of my cycle I started these injections. The follistim medication is interesting because it is expensive….my rounds with my insurance company is a whole other topic I could write about…, it has to be refridgerated, and it looks like you are sticking yourself with a big ink pen in the stomach, everyday. It really is amazing what we do to our bodies to try to get pregnant. Well, by day 12 of my cycle nothing…absolutely NOTHING …. was happening. My estrogen levels didn’t even perk up a little bit from blood draws that were taken day 9 to day 12. Canceled cycle, over and done. When this happens they put me on provera (another type of progesterone) to get a period. I think by this point this was the 3rd time I had to take this for 7 days. Aunt Flow came 2 days after I stopped provera.

Fast forward to February. Another natural cycle. We had a trip planned to Atlanta as a surprise for my brother-in-law at the end of the month and I was very worried that with the timing they gave me we might have to cancel. Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it would have been a little disappointing. Well, turns out I started the follistim on day 2 of my cycle, which started conveniently on day 1 for keeping track of things. I took follistim religiously for 10 days and guess what!..IT WORKED! I had blood draws on day 6—my lining was already almost 5mm, day 9—7mm, day 10—7.8mm (THICK ENOUGH), day 11—still thick enough and then I got to take my HCG trigger shot at 3pm that day. We were finally where we needed to be to get the FET on the road! I though this is it! Finally we’ve gotten over the hurdles and we can get pregnant. On February 17, we were able to transfer.

That week went great before the transfer. It’s funny to me how I got so used to going to the dr. that it’s weird when I don’t have to go. One week you go four times and the next you just wait for the end of the week with no checkups in between. So friday, the 17th came. By then I was doing progesterone injections everyday in the butt/hip area, which you continue til week 10 of a pregnancy after transfer. Let me tell you, they aren’t pleasant. I had to drink 1.5 liters of water before the transfer, take 2 valium at 1pm, got picked up by my husband at 1:30pm, check in at 2pm and the procedure was done at 2:30. We got a picture of our embryo that was taken 1 hour before transfer. It is a crazy think to see what we all look like at just 5 days old…just a big blob of cells, really, that could form in to a beautiful baby. The transfer went like clockwork…they showed us what they were going to do and we could see the embryo on the screen starting to hatch even before it was transferred, which is supposed to be a good sign. They put up the catheter, which looks like a long spaghetti noodle, position it in the uterus and inside goes the frosty, ready to attach in a few days and burrow in to momma. I laid there after the transfer for 15 minutes and then I was free to get up and finally use the restroom. My hubby took me to my acupuncture appointment I had scheduled after and I fell asleep and relaxed. Then went home and sat on the couch for two days, ready to get pregnant.

With the timing of the transfer we were able to go on our trip to Atlanta and had great time, surprised my husbands brother and stayed 5 days. I was peeing on sticks later in the week we were there and I was getting 2 lines! I also had sore boobs, a bit of nausea (only once), and was getting tired in the afternoons. I was pretty sure I was getting preggo but I didn’t want to get my hopes up or tell anyone til we came home and took the blood test at the dr. So Weds, 2/29 I went in and got a great beta of 227! We got preggo!

But before you get excited out there, I had another blood test on Friday, March 2 and my numbers only went up to 254. Not good because usually hCG numbers double in 48-72 hours. It was a long weekend and I tested again yesterday, 3/6. My numbers went down to 171 so the embryo stopped developing.:( I’m going to miscarry.

I’m angry that it didn’t work. I’m sad. I feel guilty that I may have done something wrong in the two weeks post transfer. I’m worried that maybe my body, with the 3 way translocation, is rejecting pregnancies. But sometimes it just happens. Embryos don’t always form into beautiful babies. We knew there was always a chance of this happening but after having to go through so many hurdles the past 4-5 months this had to work. IT HAD TO.  It didn’t. And I’m bummed. So bummed. The amount of time, effort, thought, money, energy, medications, we’ve put into this is just exhausting, draining, disheartening. I feel guilty, like maybe I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve a baby. Did I hurt the baby by traveling or hitting a few tennis balls in GA? Did I eat something wrong? I assure you, I relaxed, I slept, I ate well. I’ve done everything up to this point that I should have and yet it didn’t work out. And now all we can do is try again with our one remaining embryo.

Today I woke up angry and cried as my husband held me and then had to go to work. Since then I’ve chatted online with a few friends and called my mom (who is not the most comforting person in the world). But I’m feeling a bit better. I do think I will cry a little more before I start to get over this but the grieving has begun. I will start a new cycle in a few days and have a follow up with my dr. next week and see what is next, if there’s something we do differently next time and go from there. They say I have have to go through two cycles before we can start anew so we will probably not transfer again til at least June. Which I think is fine…it will give my body some time to get back to normal, take a vacation that we have planned and refresh. I don’t know what’s next but I hope this path we’re on straightens out soon.

-H